Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
