how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
