oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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