It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
