we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
