bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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