And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
