How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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