I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The air taste purple.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
