I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We need to get me chipped asap
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
