she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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