I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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