I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
