I like to think it a success when the cops are called
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize
