i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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