Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
