How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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