Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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