[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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