I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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