He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
