does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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