babies were throwing up all over the place
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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