I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
