I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
