About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
