my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
