My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
