What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
