Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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