ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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