So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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