I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
