You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All I want is dick and wine.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
