why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
