I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
