I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Your penis caused this!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
