Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
