Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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