i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
