They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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