I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
