he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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