when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
