my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
