the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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