I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
