My room smells like vodka and shame
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
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Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
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No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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