did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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