walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
