Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
