there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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