Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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